this is about being almost 30, losing taste, & rebuilding my own beliefs.

im writing this on my iphone so i apologize if its too informal.

its 2:16am.

& i cannot sleep.

derrick from slam, asked me if i wanted coffee.

i said yes, even though it was about 3pm.

now, im up, thinking, thinking hard about life, my future, what im doing, why, & why my life isnt where i want it to be, how i can get to my “goals.” questioning whether or not i actually need to be doing things the way they are.

a bunch of noise.

all that stuff in my head is a bunch of noise.

im sure you get them too sometimes.

im 28 right now, soon to be 29.

im kind of scared tbh.

scared to never amount to anything even though i said i wanted to do x before 30.

scared that once i hit 30, ill just become more & more lazy.

scared that ill become more washed out & lose the taste i developed when i was much younger.

scared that my job will become useless because of AI.

again, noise in my head.

im sure you have them too.

taste.

ive been hearing & seeing this lately, outside of my head & inside.

i think about it whenever i have ideas for something.

whenever i start a new project.

i always think about if, i even have good taste.

for the past two months, ive been working with startup companies.

helping them make videos.

i notice this impression my friends give me whenever i talk about this work or i show it.

it feels like, they’re not big fans of it.

it discourages me but also pushes me to continue doing it.

but then, when i get a negative impression outside of my friends, family or peers, it really really discourages me.

should i keep doing this?

am i even good at this?

AI is just getting better.

theres other people doing better work than me.

you know, even though most of my work has been projects for other companies, i still enjoy making them. i still praise them to a certain degree because, its still something i put time and effort into.

on top of that, im getting paid for it.

its not jony ives or mozart level though.

i want it to be though.

again, again, again, all noise.

im sure you have them too.

beliefs.

ive been slowly deconstructing the things i learned from the past two years, in order to rebuild something new & fresh. ive been exploring & rexploring things, places, conversations with people, books, music.

i feel like im exploring the world by myself.

im learning by unlearning.

seeing things from a different perspective.

i feel like the past two years, ive kinda been seeing life through a set of lenses that have just recently worn off.

im seeing things as they come.

idk if this will make sense to any of you but i kinda think about it like this.

imagine your a barista who works at some local coffee shop.

you go to work, hang out with friends, go home, chill, read, sleep, do it again the next day.

you dont have a care in the world about AI, making tons of money, trying to be something or chase something. you’re just living. happy to have a job. happy to do things you want to be doing. just content.

thats how im kinda feeling.

and this one, it doesnt really feel like noise.

its familiar, something i was once used to.